Last Date with ex-wife

Thank you councilor!  It was an attempt at humor and I hope it gave you a slight smile. My attorney here in Charlottesville has the same advice. He has made me promise to not get married anymore.

I don’t know if you have heard that Jimbo Bell has written a book and, if you are so interested, it is available at https://www.createspace.com/3687190

It is the story of Jimbo’s pursuit and later happy 25 year marriage to Heidi. Ted, Peter, Thomas, Claire, all make appearances during the college years, the names changed to protect the guilty.

At one point, Jack and Nick are living at 43 Pine Street, Nantucket, in 1980, “waiting for a train or a boat somewhere”. As Jimbo and I talked, getting some names, dates and places verified, I begin to wonder about my own story, why was I living in that dump, waiting to go somewhere? Why 35 years later, am I living as frugulist in a mountain holler, still waiting for the train or boat that is never going to come?

As foil to Jimbo’s true devotion to one woman and having things work out grandly, I am writing a book  of short stories about things working out in a different way. Not to bore you with old stories, but here is the prototype of last year’s “date” with the soon to be second ex-wife:

So after much discussion, my wife complains that “we never do anything together”. So I propose not one, but two hotel rooms (she has a sleeping disorder) in the Burg and a romantic dinner at Jimmy's on the James, featuring owner James Earl Dudley Go see my man James, here covering Frank Sinatra and Ray Charles. It promised to re-kindle the flame as it were; it was going to be lovey dovey.

I should have known something was amiss when Daisy (yup, Dukes of Hazzard, folks) started drinking vodka and orange juice in da Shaggin’ Wagin on the way down to Lynchburg and we arrived at 5:30 PM. Crab dip, medallions of lamb, and chats with the chef, songs by the Earl. At about 9:30 James Worthington and "Baby Ray" Stenfar arrived after attending the UVA game in Charlottesville, Worthington's pupils like stilettos. Mr. Worthington notices my Buddy Holly glasses and asks if he can wear them. Chef Ted obliges. Mr. Worthington then informs Chef Ted that he will not return the glasses unless Chef Ted and Daisy Duke spent the night at his farm in Bedford, uh, unlimited fun was suggested.

After 9 martinis, this was not an option for the Leakes. I asked lovely wife to see if she could get the glasses back, to avoid a scene in my old UVA roommate’s restaurant, which is about the size of the C & O. At this point it becomes foggy, but lovely wife says Mr. Worthington put the glasses in his crotch, and asked her to get them out. Wrong person to say that to. Lovely wife cold cocks the motherfucker and brings him to his knees.

Chef Ted, unaware of said malfeasance, is yuking it up at the bar, when lovely wife plops the glasses down in front of him, and laments the fact that she was married to such a pussy. Mr. Worthington reappears, with a big red welt on his face, and says "that felt good, why don't you do it again”? Wrong person to say that to. She cold cocks the motherfucker again, at which point Chef Ted signaled Dudley for the check. As Mr. Worthington stabilizes, and Baby Ray's eyes widen, Mr. Worthington says "that was good, do you have any other tricks up your sleeve”? Alas, wrong person encore.

Lovely wife knees him in the groin, and picks up 4 gin and tonics from the bar and throws them in Mr. Worthington's face, spaying ice cubes on other diners enjoying the lamb as well. "Uh, James, old boy, we really need that check!" The Leakes scramble to da Shaggin’ Wagin, passenger side door wide open, and lovely wife screaming "I am married to such a pussy", steaming up Main Street Lynchburg, alcohol level 3.0 and back to the motel for a little "Cops".

How did you think it went 1-10?

How do you think it went for Worthington, when his kind of separated wife asked him how the game went (three red welts and all)?

Hint: (Some say 12, because someone got punched out that really needed punching out and there was no police contact or nasty letters from attorneys.)

The fun couple, in happier times. Miami's South Beach