Why A Friend's Son Is Not Going Back to Jail

 

A few years ago, the underage son of a friend of mine went to Virginia Beach for high school beach week. After drinking heavily for oh, fourteen hours, and after he had pissed off all thirteen of his buddies, he hit the busy spring break bar scene by himself. He wandered into the Cadillac Reggae/Hip Hop bar, ordered a double Jagermeister, laid all the cash he had for the week on the bar, and told the bartender and anybody who would listen that "there was plenty more where that came from", which of course is when the lights went out.

Cordell is telling me this story last weekend as we are returning from a catering job, having the leisure of a 45 minute drive for a 45 minute story. Although I was aware that the weekend hadn't gone well for him: black eye from the cops, multiple charges, six days in the Virginia Beach Jail, which is more than well equipped to handle gang bangers, drunk special forces guys and everything in between. I just didn't know the extent of the consequences of his wayward ways. He said the jail housed like a thousand prisoners, some doing some serious time, others just in the drunk tank for the night. Initially, in the drunk tank reserved for tourists having a bad night, he thought it a good idea to shrilly demand a lawyer, piss on the bench, threaten the jail staff with having them fired, and eventually spitting on jail personnel because they didn't understand his Constitutional rights. After a pepper spray and a proper ass whipping, he was transferred from the Jimmy Buffet atmosphere of the weekend warrior drunk tank to a dark place that his eighteen year old mind could not quite grasp.

 

Sitting in the quietness of *administrative segregation*, he listened to variations of this story from a dude in the cell across from him for three days....not a soul in the world knowing where he was.

FUCK IT MAN

I MUSTA KILLED AT LEAST FORTY

DOGS IN MY TIME

IF THEY DON'T DO WHAT THEY
GOTTA DO

I JUST TAKE THE MUTHUFUCKUHS

OUT AND SHOOT EM

DON'T MEAN NOTHIN TO ME         
YA KNOW?

FAR AN I'M CONCERNED THEY'RE
NOTHING BUT MACHINES

IF THE FUCKIN THINGS DON'T
FUNCTION SMOOTH

THEN I JUST TAKE THE MUTHUHFUCKUHS
OUT AND SHOOT EM   YA KNOW?           
SOMETHIN DON'T WORK RIGHT

BOOM! I BLOW ITS FUCKIN ASS
RIGHT OFF

DON'T MEAN NOTHIN TO ME

HITLER HAD THE RIGHT IDEA
YA KNOW?

FUCK IT MAN YA KNOW?

PRE-CISION

SHIT MAN FUCK IT YA KNOW?

ANYWAY

YESTUHDAY I WENT OUT

AND BOUGHT THIS FUCKIN

SOUTH AMERICAN  BOA CONSTRICTA         

NO SHIT MAN   COST ME

SEVENTY FIVE FUCKIN BUCKS

FUCK IT MAN

THE FUCKIN THING WAS SIX FUCKIN

FEET LONG YA KNOW?                         

I AIN'T SHITTIN YA      ANYWAY

LAST NIGHT I BOUGHT ME A

LITTLE WHITE MOUSE

COST ME

SEVENTY NINE FUCKIN CENTS YA KNOW?

I AINT SHITTIN YA

ANYWAY FUCK IT

I THREW THE FUCKIN MOUSE

IN THE SNAKE'S CAGE

SNAKES LIKE TO KILL THE

 FUCKIN THINGS BEFORE

THEY EAT EM   YA KNOW?                   

ANYWAY

I THREW THE FUCKIN THING IN THE SNAKE'S CAGE
FOR THE YOU KNOW
THE SNAKE
AND THIS MORNING FUCK MAN

WHEN I LOOKED IN THE SNAKE'S CAGE

THE FUCKIN SNAKE HAD A FUCKIN HOLE
 IN ITS STOMACH YEA BIG
 I AINT SHITTIN YA         
THE FUCKIN MOUSE ATE MY FUCKIN SNAKE
NO SHIT MAN
CHEWED THE MUTHUHFUCHUH'S BELLY
TO BITS
 I AINT SHITTIN YA               
YA KNOW?   FUCK MAN

FUCKIN SOMETHIN HUH?
FUCKIN LITTLE MOUSE
EATIN UP A BIG SNAKE LIKE' THAT            
YA KNOW?       
KILLED THE FUCKING SNAKE
AINT SHITTIN YA

REALLY SOMETHIN HUH?  FUCK IT MAN          
ANYWAY SHIT  YA KNOW

I AINT SHITTIN MAN   YA KNOW?                      
YOU FUCK WITH ME

AND I'M GONNA BRING THAT MOUSE
AND THROW IT IN YOUR FUCKIN CELL

YA KNOW?

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Because he had been so mouthy, it was six days before they let him out. In addition to enduring the above tall tale telling ad naseum, he made the mistake of putting on his cellmate's shower sandals, which is simply not done.The cellmate did not like a stranger's germs in his sandals and this of course led
 to problems. He also had his orange drink stolen repeatedly, no matter where he hid it.





He said he was never so happy to see his mom in the reception area as they released him on bail. Jail worked. Whatever it takes, he said, he is never going back.